How to (And How Not To) Talk to Someone Who Is Suicidal

I don’t always want to live. That is, perhaps, overly cavalier, but it’s the reality of having endured developmental trauma. It’s not that I don’t value my life, it’s just that, oftentimes, it’s so difficult to cope with the ramifications of trauma that I’d rather just…not.

As with most things, suicidality is a spectrum, spanning from passively thinking about suicide to active attempts at suicide. For myself, I identify with more of the former. I’ve never gotten into the planning stage — and maybe I never will — but there’s something that’s awfully comforting about having a sense of agency in my life.

There’s only so much I can do about chronic fatigue; social anxiety is as much of a feature of my personality as, say, my sense of humor; there’s not much that helps my obsessive-compulsive disorder; I can’t control my motor tics. Ideating about suicide is one of my coping mechanisms for all of it! Is it healthy? Perhaps not. But for now, it’s the best I can do. We’re all adaptive, and it’s the way I’ve adapted. It’s one of my escapes.

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And so, when I share about my suicidal ideations, I’m always met with a lot of love. It always makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone, but laypeople aren’t exactly equipped to talk about suicidality. As a country, we do a really poor job of talking about a lot of things, but we’re perhaps the worst at talking about death. We pretend it doesn’t happen to anyone, and then when it does, we’re devastated.

Last summer, I took a grief course for my graduate program. In it, I learned to start thinking about grief in a much different way. The most compelling material within the course was a book by Megan Devine called It’s OK That You’re Not OK. In the book, Devine gives specific things to do, and things not to do. I feel that most of them apply to talking to people who are suicidal, so I’m going to adapt Devine’s list to better match our purposes.

What Not To Do

Regardless of what is afflicting the given individual (e.g., grief, suicidality), perhaps most common is that the comforter offers platitudes to the comfortee (I reserve the right to make up words!). Don’t do this! Platitudes often seem innocuous, but they often go past being unhelpful: they’re harmful and invalidating. They make people feel like they are alone, because other people clearly don’t understand. It doesn’t matter that they’re well-intentioned. If you’re causing harm, you’re causing harm.

Adapted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK:

Don’t compare

Do not, under any circumstances, indicate to someone that you know exactly what they’re going through. You don’t, and to suggest that you do is hurtful.

Bad example: “I know what you’re going through. After my ex-girlfriend broke up with me, I was so depressed I couldn’t go to work.”

Don’t give compliments

The person you love is hurting and may not want to live. Reminding them that they’re funny, smart, or good at, like, playing the guitar isn’t going to make them feel better.

Bad example: “You are so strong for weathering through this. It speaks to how much of a badass you are!”

Don’t be a cheerleader

Being sad is part of the human condition. It’s OK to let people know that things are hard right now.

Bad example: “Thing of all of the good things you have in your life! You have great grades and the weather is *so* nice outside!”

Don’t talk about “later”

The future isn’t relevant at this moment.

Bad example: “Think about how much better you’re going to feel when you get a week off of work and school! It’s only two weeks away, you’re so close!”

Don’t evangelize

Perhaps my biggest pet peeve. Do not offer unsolicited advice! It’s patronizing and unhelpful. If the person is looking for advice, they’ll ask! If you really think you have strong advice, you can ask if they would like your advice.

Bad example: “When I was really depressed, I took vitamin B12 and ashwagandha and it *totally* fixed me. Try working out and journaling! It’s so helpful!”

Don’t talk about your own experiences

I know it’s easy. Your experiences are what you know best. But for someone who is feeling suicidal, it gets repetitive to hear people talk about themselves in ways that aren’t constructive. Again, if you’re asked, feel free to share your experiences!

Bad example: “I’m sorry you’re having a lot of suicidal ideations. I’ve had a lot of suicidal ideations myself. I used to get them so bad a few years ago, but they’ve gone away.”

What To Do

Again, adapted from It’s OK That You’re Not OK:

Play a supporting role

The focus shouldn’t be on what you think is the right thing to do. It’s on the person who is feeling suicidal. Every person is different, and they will know more about what is helpful to them than anyone else does — every person is the expert of themselves.

Good example: Follow the person’s lead and focus on what it is that they are already doing well.

Be present and honest

What is most important is the pain that is being experienced in the present moment. That life has been better does not help at this moment, and that life will be better is unknown.

Things are hard, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. I’ll go even further and say that it’s preferable to do so.

Good example: If the person says that this sucks, say some approximation of, “Yeah, it does suck. Things are really hard right now.

Do (not) be a fixer

You can’t heal people’s wounds. Trauma affects people for the rest of their lives, and it is something that they will live with forever. It can get better, but you don’t need to fix them. Accept them as they are!

Good example: Meeting the comfortee where they are. Not trying to force the pain to go away.

Be willing to witness pain

When people want to die, it can be distressing to experience with them. Again, you can’t fix it, but you can support them.

Good example: This is probably going to include some awkward silences. Witnessing lots of bawling. Perhaps holding them.

Do anticipate, don’t ask

One of the most common platitudes is, “Let me know if you need anything!” It’s well-intentioned, but I can assure you that that person is not going to reach out if they need help, even if they do need it.

Make clear, concrete offers, and word them in ways that are not asking, but informing.

Good example: “I am going to come over to clean Benny’s litter box at 10 am,” or “I’m going to stop by after work tonight to drop some dinner off.”

Do the recurring things

Related to the “rule” above, one of the most stressful parts of being suicidal is the other things that compound on top of our suicidality. When we’re sad and depressed, we don’t get to the everyday things that we need to. That means that dishes pile up, the house gets messy, emails go unchecked, cooking doesn’t get done. One of the best ways to support a person who is feeling suicidal is by helping them emotionally, yes, but helping them materially is one of the most significant things you can do.

Good example: Cooking meals, assisting with pickup and dropoff for kids’ activities, running errands.

Love!

At the end of the day, just show up and love. That’s what matters most. You’re going to make mistakes, and you’re not going to be perfect. That’s OK. What your friend needs are love and support.

One of my favorite lines from the book is when Devine talks about being like the elephants. Of course, she’s speaking about in the context of grief, but elephants gather around the wounded member. They comfort their friends when they’re upset. We can do the same.

I knew I couldn’t really help her process the grief, but I could be there, at first just a body sitting close to her, later a voice on the phone. She told her friends about the elephants, and people started giving her little gifts or cards with elephants, just saying “I’m here.” Gather your elephants, love. We are here.

(An excerpt from It’s OK That You’re Not OK, from Devine’s friend, Gloria Flynn)

Things Will Be Clunky

I can imagine that, after reading this, people may be more uncomfortable talking to people who are suicidal. After all, I just wrote ad nauseam how people most often go about it in the wrong ways. You’re not going to be perfect, and that’s OK! The hope is that, in reading this, you might do a better job of supporting your loved one (or a stranger, even) than you would have otherwise. I myself have work to do, even as someone who sometimes feels suicidal. So far as you’re loving, focusing on them, and you avoid offering platitudes, you’ll do just fine.